Sunday, August 15, 2010

why women want diamond rings

The psychologist Geoffrey Miller has argued that many of the more interesting and ostentatious aspects of human nature have evolved through sexual selection, as a way for people to advertise their worthiness to one another. They are ways in which we reveal our fitness, and Miller would include dance here, and much of sports, art, charitable activities, and humor. For him, the brain is a "magnificent sexual ornament."

I am not going to discuss Miller's grand theory in detail here, but there is one insight that he has about sexual attraction that is worth exploring. The first is costly signaling. The idea is that displays of personal quality are only taken seriously if they involve some cost, some level of difficulty or sacrifice. If anyone can easily do the display, then it is worthless, because it is trivially easy to fake. Costly signaling shows up in the gifts we give to one another, particularly during courtship. Miller asks, rhetorically, "Why should a man give a woman a useless diamond engagement ring, when he could buy her a nice big potato, which she could at least eat?" His answer is that the expense and uselessness of the gift is its very point. A diamond is understood as a sign of love in a way that a potato isn't, because most people would only give one to someone they care about, and so the giving signals some combination of wealth and commitment.

Financial value is not the only signal of commitment. The economist Tyler Cowen points out that the best gifts for someone you live with are those that you, yourself, wouldn't want. He points out that even if his wife would enjoy the complete DVD set of Battlestar Galactica, it would be a lousy gift, because he would also get pleasure from it, and so the giving doesn't signal any particular love for her.

Other signals include changing your name, moving, and getting a large tattoo with your lover's name on it (and it can't be one of those stick-on tattoos that you rub off with hot water!). Marriage is obviously a commitment, and it becomes more costly (and more of a sign of love) if it is difficult to get divorced. Prenuptial agreements, however rational they might be, have the opposite effect, as you are explicitly signaling your worry that the relationship might end and shielding yourself from the costs. A man getting a vasectomy after his wife is no longer fertile is signaling that he won't leave her and have children with a younger woman (but, again, if the vasectomy is reversible, it's not as romantic.)

These are all signs of commitment, of love, though it should go without saying that this sort of costly signaling is not always welcome. Cutting off one's ear, for instance, is typically excessive, as is tattooing or self-mutilation after a first date. While these successfully signal interest and devotion, they also convey desperation and madness.

- Paul Bloom


No comments:

Post a Comment